Once upon a time, I thought I understood life. Then one day, I began working at a college and my entire understanding of life completely changed. I was enlightened.
Working at a college that is primarily made up of traditional students (ages 18 to 21), my intelligence and worldliness has soared. Really.
Some of the life lessons I’ve picked up are too wondrous not to share. Drumroll please…
Life Lesson #1: You can only get cancer at certain ages.
“You know, only when you’re old, like, 50 years old, you can get cancer.” Genes, carcinogens, and predisposition factors mean nothing. Next time you go to your doctor, they will only ask your age to measure your risk level for cancer. In fact, you can have a tumor as big as Texas growing from your neck, but if you’re not 50 years old or older, don’t worry. It’s totally normal!
Life Lesson #2: PDA’s are so uncool.
“Especially when it’s, like, adults, and they, like, are so old and gross and like, ew.” In other words, when you’re over the age of 25 years old, you should not do the following in public: make out, kiss, hug, hold hands, smile, talk, breath, exist. Get it? Got it? Good.
Life Lesson #3: If you’ve dated someone for six months or more, you are in a very serious, committed relationship.
“They are so seriously getting married, I’m so seriously serious about it. They’ve been together for seven months! They’re already married, technically.” After six months, you’re ready for it all. Marriage, babies, a house, retirement plans. In fact, you should start your first date with questions about which bank you’ll request the mortgage from. Don’t hold back your oddities or your secrets, after all, half a year is basically a lifetime. By the one year mark, you should probably be working on baby numero dos.
Life Lesson #4: College makes you rich.
“I can’t wait to be an adult and have so much money because I graduated. Ugh, I will be able to buy every purse and shoe I want!” When you earn a college degree, you will always be rich. Recession? Bills? Rent/Mortgage? Nah, whose heard of all that junk. A degree really helps you get high paying jobs and affluence. If you go to college, you never have to worry about money another day of your life. Student loans don’t need to be paid back and clearly you will be hired for any job you apply for. Four years is all it takes to become successful and rolling in dough. Duh.
Life Lesson #5: Parents are out to ruin your life.
“My parents are like, so neurotic, and all they do is, like, kill me slowly with their lectures and rules. Ughhh.” Parents suck. If you were smart, you would immediately stop reading this post, grab the telephone, and demand answers from your parent about why they brought you into this world. They are so not worthy of your greatness. I mean, only assholes would get upset by an eighteen year old staying out until 5am at a rave. And don’t get me started on the douchebags that say “no” to a credit card when you’ve already maxed their previous one out. God, parents just don’t understand!