Sundays Are For Lifetime Movies.

From the first time the television clicked on and a Lifetime movie graced my presence, I’ve been hooked. I began watching these made-for-TV movies around ten years old and have been a permanent fan since. You may be sitting and reading with your eyebrow arched, wondering why someone would enjoy downright terrible acting.

I relate my Lifetime enjoyment to that of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition. People watch these horrendous looking dogs with their bug eyes and obtruding tongues, and what do they do? They coo! “He’s just so ugly, he’s cute!”

Which brings me to my Lifetime conclusion: they are just so bad, they are good.

Not to mention, every Lifetime movie has a life lesson that we wouldn’t be able to survive without.

For the sake of not losing every reader I have, I won’t divulge the number of Lifetime movies I’ve watched over the years. However, I will feed your bad movie craving by discussing five of my favorites.

5. A Cry For Help: The Tracey Thurman Story

Jo from The Facts of Life is trapped in an abusive marriage. I have to note, this isn’t the typical abusive marriage showcased in Lifetime movies; Jo really gets her ass kicked from one end of the film to the other. Eventually, Jo gets a restraining order and we think everything is fine and dandy. That is, until Jo’s crazy husband slices her throat in front of police and the movie takes a daring turn toward a legal drama.

Lifetime Lesson: If you want help, unfold an epic, bloody scene in your driveway.

4. Perfect Body

Photo credit: templeofamyjo.blogspot.com

The pink Power Ranger is the main character in this film. The Power Ranger has dreams of being an Olympic gymnast. She eventually gains the opportunity to work with a leading Olympic coach. Too bad he thinks she’s a fat moo moo. The Power Ranger begins obsessing about her weight, while playing with anorexia and bulimia to attain the ‘perfect body’.

Lifetime Lesson: You’re probably too fat to be a gymnast.

3. A Secret Between Friends

Another shining example of eating disorder awareness, a la Lifetime. In this heartbreaking movie, the blonde alien above basically starves herself to death. After her parents divorce and she moves to a new town, the alien seeks out new friendships. Sure enough, she befriends a secret bulimic who entices the blonde alien into mutual retching and gagging. Too bad their secret almost leads them to death.

Lifetime Lesson: Don’t move to a new town if you have a teenager; they will begin spontaneously vomiting.

2. No One Would Tell

This Lifetime movie was created to ruin our childhood dreams of Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years and DJ Tanner from Full House. Kevin Arnold is an angry wrestler and DJ Tanner is a girlfriend with poor listening skills. This high school romance/drama shows the frightening inside world of young abusive boyfriends and the anger wrestlers battle with.

Lifetime Lesson: Kevin Arnold will put you in your place if you dare step out of line.

1. Invisible Child

This film shows us the joyful support families supply for one another. Rita Wilson, for unknown reasons, believes she has three children. Despite only birthing two, she holds strong to her beliefs that she has a third, invisible child. Rita’s husband and oldest daughter go along with her make-believe world and regularly “interact” with the invisible child. Everything is peachy keen until a nanny is hired and the invisible world begins to unfold.

Lifetime Lessons: Nannies are the root of all evil.

4 responses to “Sundays Are For Lifetime Movies.

  1. I’m not a fan of Lifetime movies, since women never come off in those things well, but I remember that first movie you mentioned. I am however, a junkie of BBC murder mysteries- trading bad acting for really bad American accents done by British actors. To each our own – enjoy your Sunday!

    • There’s no denying that Lifetime movies are trashy and portray women in a terrible light. I suppose it’s somewhat of a guilty pleasure 🙂 As a graduate student, I can only imagine what my fellow classmates would think of me if they knew I indulge in these movies that pretty much go against every feminist perspective out there. I have never checked out BBC murder mysteries, but now I’m going to have to! The idea of listening to the fake American accents sounds right up my alley! Thanks for the feedback 🙂

  2. OMG. I realize this post is over a year old, but I just had to comment because finally, someone gets me! I LOVE Lifetime movies. Last winter, I had the flu and literally couldn’t leave the house for a week, and virtually all I did was watch Lifetime movies…one night my boyfriend came home from work and demanded that I turn off the Lifetime movie I was watching about sexting, and I was like, “NO! It’s not going to happen!” while clutching the remote. Good times. One of my all-time favorites is “Friends Til the End” where that girl is stalking/trying to steal Shannen Doherty’s identity. Also, at this time of year, there is nothing I love more than Lifetime/Hallmark/ABC Family Christmas movies. Pure gold.

    • Lifetime movies are the shit. Whenever I am home sick from work, my guy always asks when he’s about to leave, “Lifetime?” Haha. I always spend sick days watching back to back Lifetime movies that are terrible, but so, so good. I’m so glad someone else understands the love for these!

      And the Shannen Doherty movie you’re talking about? Loved it! I remember being super worried how the girl’s stalking was going to affect the band in the movie. Too good!

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