From the first time the television clicked on and a Lifetime movie graced my presence, I’ve been hooked. I began watching these made-for-TV movies around ten years old and have been a permanent fan since. You may be sitting and reading with your eyebrow arched, wondering why someone would enjoy downright terrible acting.
I relate my Lifetime enjoyment to that of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition. People watch these horrendous looking dogs with their bug eyes and obtruding tongues, and what do they do? They coo! “He’s just so ugly, he’s cute!”
Which brings me to my Lifetime conclusion: they are just so bad, they are good.
Not to mention, every Lifetime movie has a life lesson that we wouldn’t be able to survive without.
For the sake of not losing every reader I have, I won’t divulge the number of Lifetime movies I’ve watched over the years. However, I will feed your bad movie craving by discussing five of my favorites.
5. A Cry For Help: The Tracey Thurman Story
Jo from The Facts of Life is trapped in an abusive marriage. I have to note, this isn’t the typical abusive marriage showcased in Lifetime movies; Jo really gets her ass kicked from one end of the film to the other. Eventually, Jo gets a restraining order and we think everything is fine and dandy. That is, until Jo’s crazy husband slices her throat in front of police and the movie takes a daring turn toward a legal drama.
Lifetime Lesson: If you want help, unfold an epic, bloody scene in your driveway.
4. Perfect Body
The pink Power Ranger is the main character in this film. The Power Ranger has dreams of being an Olympic gymnast. She eventually gains the opportunity to work with a leading Olympic coach. Too bad he thinks she’s a fat moo moo. The Power Ranger begins obsessing about her weight, while playing with anorexia and bulimia to attain the ‘perfect body’.
Lifetime Lesson: You’re probably too fat to be a gymnast.
3. A Secret Between Friends
Another shining example of eating disorder awareness, a la Lifetime. In this heartbreaking movie, the blonde alien above basically starves herself to death. After her parents divorce and she moves to a new town, the alien seeks out new friendships. Sure enough, she befriends a secret bulimic who entices the blonde alien into mutual retching and gagging. Too bad their secret almost leads them to death.
Lifetime Lesson: Don’t move to a new town if you have a teenager; they will begin spontaneously vomiting.
2. No One Would Tell
This Lifetime movie was created to ruin our childhood dreams of Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years and DJ Tanner from Full House. Kevin Arnold is an angry wrestler and DJ Tanner is a girlfriend with poor listening skills. This high school romance/drama shows the frightening inside world of young abusive boyfriends and the anger wrestlers battle with.
Lifetime Lesson: Kevin Arnold will put you in your place if you dare step out of line.
1. Invisible Child
This film shows us the joyful support families supply for one another. Rita Wilson, for unknown reasons, believes she has three children. Despite only birthing two, she holds strong to her beliefs that she has a third, invisible child. Rita’s husband and oldest daughter go along with her make-believe world and regularly “interact” with the invisible child. Everything is peachy keen until a nanny is hired and the invisible world begins to unfold.
Lifetime Lessons: Nannies are the root of all evil.