Slaying the Fiery Dragon.

One of the most wonderful aspects of metaphors is the ability to discuss a topic that otherwise is “off-limits”. Some of you are reading and thinking, “What the hell could be off-limits for writing?! Freedom of speech, read it and weep!”

But, these topics exist because we live in a politically correct world that gives a “mom look” when we step too far out-of-bounds. Some examples of these undiscussable events, just to name a few, are certain family members/situations, private issues in your life, and crazy neighbors who shall remain nameless. You know, the norm.

And with that, this tale is brought to you by the beautiful anonymity of metaphors…

WARNING: Do not let the face fool you. Dragons typically start out semi-acceptable by social standards.

WARNING: Do not let the face fool you; focus on the clutched hands that are methodically planning your demise. Dragons typically start out semi-acceptable by social standards before they start spewing their fiery breath.

Once upon a time, a princess was looking for a new castle. She was tired of living with the King and the Queen; she was thirsty for freedom and autonomy. After viewing a hand full of castles, the princess came across the right one. Soon afterwards, the princess moved her belongings and fur-friends into the new home and began decorating her castle.

Little did the princess know that just one floor above lived an angry, nostril-flaring, fire-breathing dragon. The dragon was a miserable lady, blowing her hot breath and smoke everywhere she saw fit. On particularly bad days, the dragon would flap her over-sized wings, creating a stir throughout the entire castle and surrounding community. The princess knew to keep her happiness about her, she must stay as far away from the dragon as possible.

Ain't that the truth.

Ain’t that the truth.

But that all changed one day…

The princess began focusing on a healthier lifestyle, looking for ways to eat cleaner and become more connected with her earth. A light bulb snapped above her head when the idea swept through to plant a herb garden. The princess knew it could be nothing fancy or the dragon would stomp the chives and parsley into the dirt. Just a small flower box and a trellis would do!

The princess placed the trellis below her window and lined the herb and flower boxes in front. A happy-faced garden decoration shined warmly above the flowers and herbs, giving a smile of approval. The princess looked over her handy work and retreated back into the castle, proud of her new commitment to nature and health.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

The fiery dragon was at the princess’ front door, banging loudly and blowing her angry words through the crack. The princess knew it was time for battle; there was no turning back and the herb garden was to blame.

credit: uproxx.com

credit: uproxx.com

The princess ducked and weaved through the dragon’s hateful fire spewing, as the dragon blew smoke and spittle about dog poop, being surrounded by slobs, and the rudeness of having a herb garden on the princess’ own land. The dragon roared about the princess’ duty to mow the lawn and take care of the entire yard, despite only using one square foot of dirt.

The princess reeled back with intelligent words discussing tenants’ rights, landlord responsibilities, and the need to keep misery on misery’s own side of the castle. With one final strike of an intellectual sword, the princess stopped the dragon in its fiery tracks, telling the dragon to contain its insanity and stop wasting the princess’ time with nonsensical and irrational fire spews about everyone in the castle and living nearby.

The dragon blew its last hot breath of smoke and fire, dragging its outsmarted tail between its legs and returning to its area of the castle. The dragon remained in hibernation for well over a week, licking its wounds and patching its slayed sense of entitlement and pride.

Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with law-savvy princesses, dragons. You’ll always lose.

12 responses to “Slaying the Fiery Dragon.

  1. This is great, I love the way you told us the story, and it reminds me of miserable old neighbours I had when I was young and innocent 🙂

  2. This. Is. So. Awesome. The nasty neighbor? Not awesome. (I have no idea why some people are just miserable and/or generally deranged, but GAWD is it ever obnoxious when they try to spew their misery/deranged-ness as widely as possible.) But a) the way you dealt with her, and b) the way you write about it? Friggin’ fantastic. 🙂

    • Thanks Lillian! I have been wanting to write about the “incident” for awhile, but I felt somewhat gossip-y by just writing that she’s a wackadoodle who freaked out that I dared plant flowers and herbs! I think the metaphorical tale does nice justice to the story… much like the justice that came from the entire situation! 🙂

      Thanks for the great feedback, as always 🙂

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  6. I’ve got a big old dragon above me, started spewing flames and smoke the first moment I moved in. Now I just send it a Christmas card once a year (which it hates) and ignore it for the other 364 days. You want to do the same with your dragon, in fact get the whole neighborhood to send it a card and that will certainly do its head right in.

    Your style of writing in this little story was great, watch out JK.

  7. Just keep doing it, its reverse psychology.

    I guess that everyone has a dragon in their life maybe in work or in school, but when they live above you its hell. I have a lovely yard (in a Georgian property that was built around 1700’s), which I have never used in around two years because of the mythical beast that flaps its wings upstairs,; however I too used a horticultural method to get back at it, I placed a huge outdoor plant in a large pot on a windowsill by the front door which it has to pass each day. It was my way of marking my territory,

    I honestly toyed with other warped ideas but I thought peeing in front of the property was a little strong, and could land me in a cell at the local police station.

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