What’s All the Fuss About?

Similar to most almost-thirty-year-old’s, I’ve been over, under, and through the dating gauntlet in life. You name it, it’s been experienced: commitment-phobics, men questioning their sexual orientation, addictions, compulsive liars, men going MIA (literally) and a cheater or two through the path. By the time I hit my twenty-fourth year, I had racked up a dating history like it was my professional job.

please love me

My desperation was frighteningly similar.

Then, I stopped caring about love, men, dating, and all the headaches that went along with that package of goodies. Before I knew it, when I least wanted and expected it, love found me. Since the reality of love walked into my life, I continually revisit the eternal question about relationships:

What’s all the fuss about?!

Human fixations 101.

Human fixations 101.

Case in point: This afternoon I drove down to a nearby state park to enjoy my lunch break and a bit of reading. About halfway through my chapter, angry, booming voices interrupted my serenity and made me temporarily think I was dealing with the dragon. A quick glance in my rear view mirror alerted me to the presence of two adults, roughly in their mid-30’s, walking back from a hiking trail in a full-out battle.

“Medication and trash at a picnic?! I want to talk about us,” he screamed through the parking lot.
“Please calm down,” she quietly begged.
“No, I won’t calm down! Just go on your other date, Mrs. I Can’t Commit. I hope he’s fucking worth it!”

While my book was tempting, this relationship shitshow was so much more visually stimulating. As I watched hands thrash about, curse words tossed carelessly, and the dust behind her car peeling out of the parking lot, once again I was faced with the question: What’s all the fuss about?

i would do anything for love

Ahh, the sweet smell of desperation for love.

The whole point of dating is to meet new people and have fun. Why can’t we accept this and treat dating as just that? Why must we all push and pull in every direction that doesn’t work? Why must we try to form love where it won’t exist, and shy away from those who offer it willingly?

I can honestly say, since day one, I’ve had to put minimal effort and mental energy into my relationship. And not too surprisingly, it’s the relationship that has lasted.

On one hand I can count the arguments we’ve had, the rarity of raised voices, the non-existence of needing “time apart”, or a discussion of all the things we need to fix in our relationship. You know, those lovely dating situations we’ve all found ourselves in far too many times. The arguments that pass 3:00am where your eyes are falling out of your head, and the conversation has no shred of rationality left.

to those who have given up on love

In other words, when it comes to dating, relationships, and love: let go of the complexity, embrace the simplicity, and keep most of your energy for you. If you catch yourself putting ten-fold energy and effort into another person, take a step back and start to ask why it requires so much work.

Real love is like a car; it may need a tune-up or a little maintenance here and there, but if every free minute you’re pouring money, time, sweat, and tears into it? It’s junk.

19 responses to “What’s All the Fuss About?

  1. I’ve had a similar experience with Brandon: I’d dated dudes who turned out to be man-children/alcoholics/emotionally stunted and had largely given up hope of finding a healthy, normal relationship. Then I met Brandon, and it all changed. It’s easy with him. We argue sometimes, sure, and we have occasional misunderstandings, but it’s never hard or complicated. I’m so glad you’ve found such a wonderful relationship with Michael — it’s something everyone deserves!

    • That’s what I love so much about real love – yes, there’s bumps, but overall it’s smooth sailing. It doesn’t drain you on a daily basis or take up so much mental energy you have none left for yourself. It’s a partnership 🙂 And thank you, I am very, very blessed with Michael in my life. He’s a wonderful man, best friend, and partner!

  2. I laughed when I got to the “shit show” part. 🙂
    The only thing positive about living through a bad relationship is you don’t take a good one for granted, if you are fortunate enough to find one. Happy for you.

    • So true! You have to go through the rain to see the sun. Unfortunately, so many of us see the rain, then an oncoming monsoon and still stay put, draining ourselves of energy on someone that doesn’t deserve it.

      And I’m telling you, it was a complete and utter shitshow! It was like a train wreck, I knew the ending and what was going to happen, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away. Terrible, LOL.

  3. Great post and great topic! It’s so very true. I found the love of my life in part when I finally got out of my own way and stopped trying to find the drama and make things bigger than what there were (as well as having unrealistic “fairytale” expectations). And it took a long time to get to that point. My husband and I argue at times…BUT there is an ease and a simplicity about our entire relationship that just works. Or maybe that is the point — it isn’t work. It all comes natural.
    Kenley

    • Such a great point about fairy tale expectations. I think that’s a big reason why many people struggle with love. When I was younger and in the early parts of my dating life, I would say things to my boyfriends such as “Well, boyfriends are supposed to _______”. I would say these things in hopes of changing the person, having them show me more love and attention.

      In reality, boyfriends aren’t supposed to do anything – because each and every person you share your life with will give/take different things. The simplicity of real love and riding through the bumps together makes the long trail of mistakes and over-compensating for bad partners well worth it!

  4. hownottokillyourparents

    I’m not going to say that my relationship with Mr. T is easy because it isn’t always. But if we’re going with the car metaphor, I figure we’re like an original VW bus. For the most part, we are awesome and just truck along. But, when it breaks, it’s a complete pain in the arse to find the parts and put the thing back together. But we do it because we both know that nothing drives quite like a VW bus (sexual innuendo not entirely intended). 🙂

    • Haha, I love your metaphor! It’s true – the maintenance needed from time to time may be a pain in the ass, but most of the sailing is smooth. I think back on some of my past dating adventures and can’t even fathom putting that much energy, thought, and effort into someone. The constant knowledge that you’re with the wrong person, or investing time in the wrong person. Bleh! So not for me.

      That’s one ride I was glad to get off of 😉

  5. The ones that you can hang with and just chill are the ones that work with the best.

    • Exactly. Who the hell wants to be annoyed or bogged down during their time off? Shit, we all have to deal with so much ridiculousness through jobs, social interaction, family, etc., that should be the one place you can go, kick back, and be yourself (without someone in your ear bitching and complaining).

  6. love the car analogy 🙂

  7. Great advice! It’s been so long since I’ve dated and I swear, it seems a lot more complicated than it was “back in the day.”

    • I think we all OVER-complicate it by trying to stick square pegs in round holes. Instead of saying ‘too much baggage; has commitment issues; not for me!” we stick around and push, pull, and plead to make it work. So not worth the time!

  8. Pingback: Second time is Sweeter | racheve

    • Thank you very much! Much appreciated 🙂 I wish I could write more often, too – trust me! I am always thinking about my blog, but for now… graduate school takes priority. Stay tuned after this December – I’m graduating and will be focusing all my energies on my writing again 🙂

  9. But sometimes it’s fun to fight! My boyfriend and I rarely fight in the day to day, but then randomly one day something will trigger us to just lash out and RAWR. And we’ll be fine in the end and usually the fight is really just because we’re mad about something else in our life and know the other person will love us even if we do show Extreme Feelings. I mean, obviously it shouldn’t be constant fighting, but I have emotions and we see each other every single day. He’s bound to get the shit end of that stick every once in awhile, you know?

    • I definitely hear that – anytime two people are together day in and day out, there’s bound to be friction from time to time. I think every couple voices that differently though. For instance, my boyfriend and I talk all day, all night about things throughout our day. Because of that, we’ve never had a fight that was “pent up” or something big brewing, because we talked about the details already. Every relationship is different though, and people naturally find their groove that works for them 🙂

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